I have a lot of problems with the phrase "laid off." Obviously, it's a major bummer, but my main problem is that it sounds like it shouldn't be such a let down of a thing. "Laid off" makes me think of "lay down" which makes me think of reclining on a mega comfy bed while I watch marathons of Breaking Bad and have someone feed me bites of soft pretzels.
On Sunday night, I got unexpectedly laid off from my new internship. They didn't even buy me a soft pretzel or anything. I've mostly gotten through the soul-sucking self-doubt/crying on the floor while listening to Neil Young records/eating gouda while mumbling Gotye lyrics to myself part of this whole thing (mostly), which means beginning the much more difficult task of facing what to do next.
I've heard a lot of really wonderful supportive things, like "It isn't exactly what you wanted anyway," "Now you can take the time to apply for what you really want," "take this time to focus on yourself," and "At least you don't have bills to pay, this is a good time for this to have happened." And these things are all true. But the problem sometimes is that even the advice with the best intentions, said by the people you love the most, doesn't always exactly...help? Oh shoot, did that make me sound like a dick? What I mean is that it helps, it all helps. What the problem really is, is that I want someone to make it clear to me what I should do next and how I should do it, what my dreams are and how I can work towards them. I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH.
Not having an income is scary, and not having a schedule is also scary. But the scariest thing of all, at least for me, is not knowing what I'm doing. Having a part time internship/job that paid me was a good distraction from a lot of grander, more important things. Yes, I was still applying to jobs, but half-heartedly. I jotted a few lines of poetry down here and there, but nothing too substantial. Now, though, I uh, have nothing to distract me from what it is I want to do or even, more importantly, figuring out what it is I want to do.
This is a good thing. Did you believe me when you read that? For real. I'm being serious. Not that I've completely convinced myself. Like, at all. But I'm trying to think small scale here, not like, what do you want to do with THE REST OF YOUR LIFE??? Thinking about that makes me want to dig a hole just big enough to fit me and a bag of marshmallows so I can mourn my lost youth and eat marshmallows.
So, what do I want to do with this (hopefully not gaping, huge, and/or mega-extended) window of time in my life? That's the hundred dollar (zero dollar, tbh) question. The number one thing I don't want to do? Mope over my joblessness when I'm really being presented with an opportunity to grow. I want to write more, and journal more seriously. I want to get back on the ball with my 365 poetry project. I really want to make a zine, possibly about erasure poetry and possibly about what classic works of literature would be like if they were pasta-themed (if you guys are interested in collaborating in some form email me, for real). I want to apply to jobs that I care about until it becomes evident I should settle for something less than what I want, and even then I don't want to settle completely. I want to put together my Hobbit LEGO set. I want to go to the Museum of Natural History enough times to actually learn the layout. I want to make more watercolors, because I needed even more craft hobbies, right. I want to figure out another etsy shop idea that I can get excited about the way I got excited about Faces and Faces. I want to read! What I guess it comes down to is that I don't want this to be a stagnant point in my life. I want to grow and get excited, and make things that make other people excited. So I suppose that's just what I'll do.
These are the first outfit photos I took in a long time, so I like, forgot how to pose. I thought it would be like riding a bicycle, but then again, I'm not very good at riding bicycles.