Facing Forward

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And here I am, one week from graduation, sitting at my desk. My bangs are messily but artfully clipped back into a Johnny Bravo fashion. I have been staring at my resume for the past two hours wondering if it is jazzy enough, after a prior two hours of staring at jobs on idealist.org like “gurl is this all you GOT? I know this ain’t all you got for me, gurl. I thought we were CLOSE??” I have become a little delusional. I blame the Johnny Bravo hair.

The truth is, I feel like I should have something interesting to say upon my impending graduation. HECK, I had something to say about my high school graduation, which wasn’t even important, but we don’t need to revisit that. You guys don’t need to hear about me missing my teachers and things “never being the same AGAIN.” I recently read a short piece I wrote right before I graduated high school and was struck by how different I feel now, four years later, graduating from something else. I feel ready to leave in a lot of ways. I don’t feel clingy. I don’t have a chronic fear of losing connections, maybe because I’ve seen the connections I’ve kept and lost since high school. I just feel very weird about it all. Note: It will probably be worth my while to keep a tally on the amount of times I use the word “weird” in this post.

Whenever someone congratulates me on my upcoming graduation I have the tendency to say something like, “CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT? FOR MAKING IT TO THE EDGE OF THE ABYSS THAT IS MY FUTURE? OH, THANK YOU. THANKS SO MUCH.” Then I growl and foam at the mouth a bit and steal away to a hovel a la Gollum. Not really. But I really have used the word “abyss” in the past two weeks more than I have in my whole life. The truth is, I am excited about the possibilities of “the post-graduation abyss” as I will now lovingly (unlovingly) call it. On the other hand, it is, uh an abyss. And an abyss is an inherently scary thing because of its mystery, its cool unknowability.

It is a terrifying thing, for me at least, not to have a planned next step. I am very good with planned next steps. They are something I like a whole lot, in fact. Go to high school after grammar school, and then college? YES! Keep my current job until I find something new to move on to? OBVIOUSLY! Plans are cool. I dig plans. Right now though, the world is my metaphorical oyster. The problem is I’ve never tried oysters. And they seem kind of slimy and off-putting, tbh.

As I’m sure is not at all obvious at this point, I’ve been doing a lot of dwelling and not a whole lot of celebrating (though there has been plenty of beer involved). In fact, if you’ll recall the beginning of this post, I was being super broody about everything (particularly my floofy hair). Then, I decided that now was a good time to write a blog post and take stock of what’s really going on versus what my anxiety says is happening (“THE ABYSS!”). With school ending and my work coming to a close, I’ve had some increase in free time lately, all of which has been filled with a very satisfying mix of good food, lots of (you have no idea how many) movies, late night talks, family time, frantic reconnections, and ideas. Good things. Now is a weird time, where my obligations are quite fewer than they’ve been for a long time. It’s a time where, well, I have more time. Or, the same amount of time but differently allotted. Now is a time where I can look back at projects I forgot, and create new ones. Find focus. Learn. I can look at the abyss as a bottomless pit or a road that takes me somewhere new, a place where I’m falling and can’t ever find footing, or a place that allows me to sit and rest for a while as I figure things out. Would I like to have a plan? Yes. Would I like to have a job lined up? Of course. But it’s important to look at the reality of things, I think (it is also worth noting that I am terrible at looking at the reality of things) in order to move forward in a way that is productive and makes you feel good. So, I might not have any advice for you, or for myself, on graduation and the “real world.” But I can say, or hope, that maybe the post-graduation abyss isn’t so scary when you look it right in the eyes.

As for what I've been wearing - frankly, it hasn't been all that interesting. Having a personal style is a lot harder when you feel your sense of style changing but can't buy new clothes because you don't have an income. Also, laziness. I decided I really wanted overalls, and then dug these gems out of a drawer of hardly worn bottoms. Maybe summer will bring back my ability to dress like a cool dude?

Overalls, Shoes: UO, Shirt: Gap, Tote: Lil Bub

Odds and Odds

This is weird. Is this weird for you? It's a little weird for me. Right as I started typing a red bar popped up on Blogger that says that there was some sort of error in my post, but I'm going to go with this anyway. This past month since my last post has been...a lot. There have been wonderful things, terrifying things, all sorts of long nights, sleeping in waiting rooms, not sleeping in beds, crying in hospital elevators, trying new beers, seeing new things. There has been a lot of new, a lot of adjusting, and a lot of unexpected. I mean, though, I guess our lives are mostly unexpected moments, right? I mean, no one expects a piano (metaphorical or literal) to drop onto them from a rooftop. No one expects to meet a boy through a long series of wonderful people from New Hampshire. No one expects their 20-something year old sister to need brain surgery. Life is full of a variety of unexpectednesses, and I suppose it's more about how you deal, how you do, what you do. I've been eating a lot, laughing a lot, walking around Manhattan a lot, using ghetto slang a lot, talking to Cheryl and Mike a lot, writing and failing to write poetry a lot, being selfish a lot, being thankful a lot, sitting in bed wondering how I got here a lot. I apparently have also started taking my camera out to play again, after not using it for weeks. Not a lot though, just some of the time. I ain't no photographer, bros. I'm on spring break right now, sort of, and I thought it might be nice to pop in, drop some photos, drop some mics, write a little about what's been going on, and show you a little bit too.



























photos by Justin and me

More Adventurous

Woah, woah, woah - hold the metaphorical phone. Is this a post? I guess this is a post. From me? Yes. You might have noticed that there have been no posts up in here lately. Or maybe you haven't, no one's judging anyone here (though you may be judging me for not posting ever but whatever, no one's judging anyone here). There is a very good reason for that, too. That reason being - I don't really like blogging anymore. THERE, it's out in the open - be free, icky little thought. Well, really, I don't like blogging about my clothes, or a lot of the atmosphere of blogging about clothes anymore. Ugh, that may be an even ickier little thought.

I've thought a lot about this (SURPRISE SURPRISE) and I realized that fashion blogging has a tendency to make me feel bad about things I would never feel bad about in "real life," or whatever. I don't feel bad about not having a QT photographer boyfriend or lacking photography skills. I don't feel bad about whether or not I have new clothes. I don't feel bad about whether people think my yellow-y teeth are gross or that my calves are more like COWS (see what I did there? See it? I capitalized it). I don't feel bad that I don't go to cute cupcakeries on the daily (though I would like to, sure, because cupcakes). I don't feel bad about how the colors of my clothes look in photographs as opposed to real life. I don't feel bad! When I get caught up in blogging though, I do feel bad about these things. Now, I still enjoy reading fashion and lifestyle blogs. I love seeing what pastries people are eating and their really cool, inspiring outfits and their fun adventures. However, when I'm blogging, and participating, and putting my own content out there, I can feel like my life/clothes/melodrama are all just not good enough, not for myself, but for the blog world.

I decided a long time ago that this blog was not going to be for anyone but me, and if people wanted to follow along - great! I've met innumerable amazing people through this blog. And a good counter-argument for the previous paragraph is "DO YOUR OWN THING, GURL, DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK." And I appreciate that. But frankly, there's something about blogging that makes me care more about what other people think, rather than less, and I'm not too down with that. There's also just the fact that I don't feel inspired to carry on with posting outfits of myself. I told you guys that I'd been feeling weird about my body, and that's true. I've also been all over the place with my personal style, which is nowhere near what is was this time last year, and has toned down significantly. And by "toned down," I really mean "I wear the same striped shirt and jeans every day." I've always been "busy," but blogging was something I was passionate enough to stick to. Now though, I don't enjoy taking outfit pictures. I don't enjoy putting together interesting outfits as much as I used to. I still like writing, but I've been trying to gear that drive more towards my poetry, so the content I would put here has been steered elsewhere (sometimes).

I guess this is a very long-winded way of saying what has probably already become super apparent - that I won't be blogging as much. I'm sure there will be blog posts because I am no good at saying goodbyes or letting anything I care about or have once cared about alone (the second part of this sentence is definitely about blogs and not men). But you guys have shared your stories with me countless times, and have let me be honest with you just as many times, and I figured I should share my thoughts about blogging. I have a lot of things I want to do. I have a lot of thoughts and plans and fears and hopefully donuts. Maybe this blog will turn into something different. Maybe it will peter out. Maybe I will embarrass myself and decide tomorrow that I actually love fashion blogging and return back and better than ever. Maybe this post will self-destruct after you read this. I don't know, really. But I do know that you guys deserved to know what's been going on up in this here noggin, because you've been so supportive of the goop that it has previously dispelled. That was disgusting. Thank you for the journey so far, and for seeing where this whole thing goes next.

Dress, bag: UO, Shirt: Madewell, Tights: Hue

Hard To Get

I was talking (which means, complaining) to a friend the other day (which means, back in September) about relationships and dating. "WHY can't people just tell each other how they FEEL?" I lamented. "Why are there all these tricks and "codes" and signals and secret handshakes and "blink twice rapidly if you want to go on a second date" things?" He was sympathetic. "How did you meet your girlfriend? Was it simple?" I asked. Oh, she wouldn't even TALK to me at first, let alone date me. Hold the phone. I was aghast and not even because I had a crush on the guy at the time and was like "you should let me love you, let me be the one to, give you everything you want and need." That was definitely not why I was aghast.

Something about the whole thing bothered me, and, apparently, still bothers me. I know that if I was attracted to some guy on a basic level, but he was purposely treating me like I didn't exist, my friends would say something along the lines of Forget about him, gurl. He doesn't know what he's missing! Now lets drink. They wouldn't encourage me to pursue him as a challenge-mode to be felled (and seduced). The opposite seems to be true for guys, though. I mean, I can't count how many movies show decent guys falling for emotionally unavailable or just downright uninterested girls. Of course, there's generally the trusty best friend, a girl, who secretly loves the boy but SHE'S JUST TOO NICE FOR HIM. The lack of interest is viewed as an obstacle to overcome, not a deterrent.

From my impressively-extensive television and movie-watching experience, I've been taught that I am supposed to be hard to get, a tough cookie, aloof. Now, if you know me, at all, even slightly, you know that I am not aloof. A loofah maybe, but not aloof (No, I'm not going to apologize for that). I've always been of the mindset that feelings should exist outside of your head and heart - they should be shared and voiced and poem-icised and turned into simple, bad ukulele songs. If I like someone, why should I pretend not to? That's never made sense to me, but it seems to make sense to so much of the world. I came across this quote on tumblr (I know, I know) that was by, I think, good old F. Scott Fitzgerald, and was something along the lines of, "The girl really worth having isn't going to wait for anyone." And hey, I almost reblogged it. That sounds good, you know, I am a strong independent woman, I WAIT FOR NO MAN. But then I found something nagging me about it, the same naggy discomfort I felt when my friend told me his girlfriend wouldn't even talk to him at first. The girl who doesn't give up on someone she cares about, on something she believes in, is for some reason less valuable than a girl who isn't willing to "wait" for it/him/her, whatever "waiting" means? Though a little different, it was the same idea from the romantic comedies I grew up watching, repeated in a story written by someone writing in the 1920's. WHAT?

Obviously not every relationship starts with one person pursuing someone who has flat-out turned them down, and not every person who's turned down is going to be like, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. But for the whole of my "romantic" life people have been telling me how to "hook a man": play hard to get, unbutton the top button of your blouse (that was my grandmother, btw), chew like you have a secret, don't give too much away, don't kiss him on the first date, don't ever SAY that you like him. I've never understood all that much of it, though. Not that I have, uh, much authority here, but I think some of the last things that should be involved with feelings and relationships are games and tricks and sorcery or whatever. Some strategy? I get that. I've pulled a Ted Mosby or two, and you probably shouldn't tell someone you love them on a first date. But liking someone and telling them, and showing them? Shouldn't it be as easy as that?


According to my blog, I only wear this sweater. I'm alright with this depiction of myself.

Dress: Madewell, Sweater: Urban Outfitters sale, Belt: Some pair of pants,
Shoes: Ruche, Bag: Elanor, Sunglasses: Target, Eventual hat: Dad's








Until tomorrow,
Nicole

Old School

I spent yesterday afternoon with my good pal Kerri (who some of you internet folk may know) at a rehearsal of a John and Hank Green show, that also included a guest performance by Kimya Dawson (I know, I know). Before hand, though, we decided to grab some lunch at whole foods. Amidst fawning over Thorin, Fili and Kili, discussing a mutual distaste for loud chewing and our inabilities to sleep at night, and more fawning over Thorin, Fili and Kili, we stumbled onto the topic of my writing. Or, rather, she just asked me about. I mentioned in my last post that I was trying to write a sonnet sequence, so I started to tell her about it, too. As I was talking, though, I kind of rambled my way into a fear-laden rant about whether or not anything I do creatively "matters." "Does anyone even CARE if I'm writing a heartfelt sonnet about a lobster? Am I ADDING anything meaningful to the world of poetry?" I was about ready to dramatically throw my prosciutto panini at the loudly chewing man behind us (ya'll know I'd never actually do that, I love food too much to just waste it like that) when she was like, "GURL." And I was like, "I am bereft." But then she was subsequently like, "Of course it matters. Are you just not going to make a movie because someone else in the world's made a movie? NO. You are going to put your spin on an idea, and that matters."

I think she's right. Well, CORRECTION. I know she's right, I just fully haven't convinced my naggy little neurosis gremlins that my work matters. But it does. One of my favorite things about literature is its ability to remind me that the human experience transcends time or culture. Homer was writing about longing and love way back in ancient Greece. Lord Byron was writing about wanting to bang all the fine-ass ladies of the 1800's. Emily Dickinson struggled with the themes of death and anxiety long before I did. So, why should I not write love poems, or any other sort of poem, just because people have been doing it forever? Why should I not write for the exact reason that I love writing and reading so much? I think that being passionate about something, whether it's a person, a dwarf, or a creative outlet, requires vulnerability. There's something about writing that makes me so scared, and so uncertain, and so fearful that I'm doing it wrong, or that I'm not "worthy" of being a writer, like I'm doing an injustice to Homer, Lord Byron, and Emily Dickinson if I even try to write a sonnet. And it's because I care so much that I know I have to keep going.

This tale is from yesterday, but these photos are from today. I've been wearing these jeans pretty much non-stop, and this back-pack was a Christmas present I'm very excited to use. I just feel like a cool prep-school punk in this outfit, and I really like it.

Oh, and by the way, you may have noticed a new link in my sidebar. Catch a Tiger By the Toe is my 365 poetry project, that I started to keep me on my toes about this sonnet sequence. I try to write at least one line a day. Follow along if you like.

Jeans: JCrew, Blouse: Old Navy, Sweater: Urban Outfitters sale, Backpack: Herschel












Until tomorrow,
Nicole

The Wanting Comes in Waves

You guys are great. Really. I'm not just trying to flatter you or anything. You're really great! Over the past year especially, I've wanted this blog to become a safe place for me to overshare, and for you guys to share your stories if you feel inclined. So, I just wanted to thank you for your kind words and inspiring stories on my last post. I mentioned in that post that my main goal for the new year was focus. I haven't been all that focused lately, but I have been thoughtful about what I want, and that's at least something. Around the end of December, I came up with this silly idea for a sonnet sequence. I think I was, like, on the express bus coming home from a day in the city when I thought of it, or something very ordinary like that. One of the many things that makes writing difficult for me is this idea of "inspiration." I'm in no position to declare what the "most important" thing you need to have in order to be a real deal writer is, but I will say that I've learned discipline is at least on par with inspiration. Maybe I'm just inclined to say that because it's also one of the most difficult parts about writing for me. As convenient for me as it would be for "inspiration" to just happen, there's work to be done. I think my brain always needs to be turned on to poetry. It's got to be searching for and recognizing what can be a poem, a first line, a metaphor. It's hard work, and I forget that (or ignore it) too frequently. So, giving myself this project, and not "waiting" for something to "speak to me" (oh my god that was like the worst thing I've ever typed), is terrifying. I'm not giving myself any sort of deadline, and even if nothing comes of it, it's something I need to try. It's easy, or at least easier, to write something when you're in a class, and it's required. There's a push there, and it's nice to have a force of motivation. But, I'm graduating (very very very, oh my god, very) soon, and I'm going to be the only person there to push myself. So, here goes a test run!


Another goal, like I said, was to get comfortable with my body, and figure out how to use my old clothes to dress myself in a way that feels good. I used to be more into experimenting with my clothes, spending late nights putting outfits together in front of my mirror. And while that's not too much my thing anymore (that may be a lie), I think a bit of creativity could come in handy in figuring this out.

blouse: Levi's, Tee: Threadless, Skirt: H&M, Shoes: Clarks











This is how I dance (not really) (really).


Until tomorrow,
Nicole

Body Talk

I was going to do one of those yearly round-up posts, I really was. But then I was like, "Noooooooooo." I actually said that, really. Aloud, to myself. You see, I did the work of it. I went through a year's worth of blog posts and picked my favorite outfit from each month. But, as I went further and further back, I got glummer and glummer. It had nothing to do with the year itself, as I've had a wild and crazy and wonderful and adventurous 2012. No, it had to do with, as is the tendency with fashion blogs, how I looked. As I scrolled into the past, all I could see were smaller breasts and smaller thighs (I was apparently a chicken for most of 2012). And who wants to start off a new year reminiscing about the size of their thighs? Not me, no sir.

So instead, I want to talk a little about my body. You guys may have noticed that I've dropped off the face of the flat blogging world like it was the time of fashion blogger Christopher Columbus. Sure, I've been busy, and yes, it's been the holiday season (so hoop-dee-doo, and dickory-dock, and don't forget to hang up your sock) but I've always been busy, and it's always Christmas (if only, am I right). The truth of the matter is that I don't have the same body I had a year ago, or even, heck, six months ago, and I don't really know what to do with it.

Because I enjoy coating my misery in a delicious layer of light-hearted humor, I've been telling my family and close friends, when it comes up, that "MY BODY'S JUST GOING THROUGH A LOT OF CHANGES RIGHT NOW," like I'm 13 again. But honestly, my body is going through a lot of changes right now and I'm just sort of like, WHAT IS THIS PUBESCENT SORCERY?

When I started this blog, I also started a "weight loss journey." I kind of like that dumb phrase, because losing weight is this journey where you have to sort of machete your way through things and fall down cliffs and chart new territory and try not to eat all of the cupcakes. But, I digress. This past summer, I was at my lowest weight, and had just finished training for and running a 5k. I had finally figured out how to dress myself in a way that felt both flattering and reflective of my personality.

Since then, I've gained about 10 pounds. But this isn't just a weight thing. My breasts feel huge, you guys. I don't even know. My bras don't even fit, which means it's going to be a long sojourn through jiggle city until I fork over the money for a new Victoria's Secret bra. I've got stretch marks in a whole lot of areas I'm already self-conscious about. A thyroid problem I've had for, probably, my whole life has been causing a lot more body hair to grow, and I already have plenty. I've always been self-conscious about it all, and have struggled a lot lately with the wondrous world of hair-removal products and techniques, shaping and trimming, bleaching and tweezing. I have very mixed feelings about female hair removal, but I can't deny that all of mine makes me feel more than a little self-conscious (mostly in the "but will boys think I'm GROSS?!" way, which is probably the worst way). And this is going to sound weird, I'm sure (because going on about body hair for a paragraph isn't weird), but I feel like my face looks different. Older. Wider? Wiser? Just different. And frankly, I'm a little overwhelmed by it all.

A big part (the biggest part) of having a fashion blog is taking photos of yourself as frequently as possible, saying, to an extent, look at me and what I'm wearing. And frankly, I haven't been wanting to extend that invitation very far lately. It's not an "I'm ugly and I hate my body" situation, though I have plenty of days where I just glare, gut extended at my side profile in the mirror saying LOOK AT THE MONSTER YOU'VE CREATED. Really, it's more of an "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing" situation. I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel a little, well, wrong, saying "look at my style, be inspired," when I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what shapes work best on my new boxy hips and larger waist, I don't know how to be both a lumberjack and a JCrew model, I don't know what cream concoction gets rid of stretch marks best, I don't know how the hell to "landscape" my body hair, but at Christmas my cousin was going on about MANSCAPING and I wanted to punch him in the FACE because I am a WOMAN and I am supposed to KNOW what the HELL to do with my BODY HAIR, not my MAN COUSIN who is a MAN and doesn't have social pressures to be a HAIRLESS PORCELAIN GODDESS.

Hoo. Got a little carried away there. Let's bring it back down. Let's think of kittens. Kittens in little boots. And hats. Ahh, there we go.

I just finished up a, probably incomplete, list of new year's resolutions, and while one of them is "become comfortable with my body," whatever that entails, I think my main goal for the year is to focus. Focus on writing and getting published. Focus on getting healthy. Focus on what I really want for myself and how I want to achieve it. I don't think that losing 30 pounds and going hairless is going to make me "comfortable with my body." I think there is a way for me to be comfortable, though, and I just need to focus on what that would be, how to be comfortable. I took these pictures with my mother this morning and stopped halfway through, saying my outfit made me look fat, and that I probably should stop fashion blogging altogether. After thinking about it, I realized quitting probably wasn't going to help anything. So, instead, I decided to put up some of the photos from today, because after looking at them again I realized I was probably being a bit hard on myself (surprise, surprise). So, let's raise a metaphorical new year's eve toast to focusing on what we truly want and how to achieve it, to having body hair if you want it, and to realizing there is beauty even when you're sure there isn't.

Shirt: Delia's, Denim shirt: Madewell (gift), Jeans: Urban Outfitters, Boots: Dolce Vita (gift)






playing the accordion on my shirt, apparently.


Until tomorrow,
Nicole